Poetry

What love is - a reminder to self

Love is not looking into her eyes and “just knowing.”
It's a decision.
It's decision to be vulnerable
To share yourself
To listen
Having the courage to fight
Knowing when to let go
And knowing when to be there for her.
It is not “just knowing”, I tell you.
When she looks up, and her eyes meet yours,
it never is as simple as imagining what
she's thinking while she looks at you.
It is having the courage to speak up
and having the ability to ask,
“What do you need from me?”
“What can I do for you?”
“How can I help?”
And it is taking the time to listen.
It is not “just knowing”
It is not gazing into her eyes
Reading her mind
Guessing her thoughts
Making up conversations in your head
Wishing she could read your mind
No, that is not love.
The movies, they tell you wrong
The songs, they lie, too.
When she says she wants to be left alone,
she probably really does.
Don’t chase.
When she says she needs time,
she probably really does.
Give her time.
When she says that she loves,
She probably really does.
Believe her.
And return love to her
if you love her,
and if you know what love is.
It is a decision.
A decision to be vulnerable,
to share yourself,
and to listen.
_______________________________________________________________________

Everybody's Girl
 
I once held the Queen of the Winter Night.
I didn't hold her only once.
I loved her.
I loved her deeply and fiercely, like I loved no other before,
but I couldn't accept her as she was.
Oh, she was a sight to behold.
She was so easy on the eyes.
I loved to hold her
but sometimes that meant torment.
I loved her and wanted her to be mine
but in the end, she was everybody's girl.
Everybody's girl....
Everybody's.
Her eyes searched for validation in all that she met.
Everyone had a piece of her and she gave pieces of herself away.
When would we have a moment?
When would she be still?
When would the past not haunt her?
When would she not agonize over the future?
When would she be present, calm, and comfortable in the moment?
Her eyes looked for validation in me.
She told me she was lonely.
I quietly looked to her, as if to say, “I can't fix your lonely.”
When we first met, she said she was attracted to my calmness,
my stillness, my peace.
She would engage me and kick up the drama,
intensity, and excitement.
When I responded in calm she called me a turtle
and told me to go back into my shell.
I didn't respond with the same intensity that she anticipated.
Sometimes I faltered.
Sometimes I teetered.
Sometimes I allowed myself to be sucked into the discontentment.
Intensity begat intensity.
I didn't always trust her motives.
I didn't always trust my instincts.
I felt cornered and manipulated and afraid.
Where was this calm, still person she was first attracted to?
Where did she go?
I turned my power over to the intensity, the drama, the excitement.
I prayed if I held her that I could quiet her storms,
still her rivers.
I could not fix her lonely.
I lay torn as I held her.
When would we have a moment?
I laid crying, loving her more than I had ever loved before
knowing in the depths of my heart and in all of my rational mind
that she was not mine -
She was everybody's girl.
Everybody's.
Her words communicated who she wanted to be
but her actions told me who she was.
In the beginning, she showed me who she was
but I chose not to believe her.
She could not trust...
She could not escape her past.
She was a victim of everything that had ever happened in her life.
She showed me this early on and I chose not to believe it.
Every one of my flaws were an excuse for her to be a victim,
to not trust,
to remind her of the past.
I was so frustrated.
I couldn't change her.
I couldn't accept her.
She was a master manipulator and
I did NOT have the skills
to match her.
Nor did I want to.
I did not want to exert the effort to stand up to her manipulation.
I wanted to be treated well because I was a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I had to let her go.
There was a time that the torment outweighed the love.
The angst was greater than the momentary quiet.
Tears robbed hope.
I didn't feel like I voluntarily gave her up,
I felt like I had to give her up in order to save my own sanity.
And I still cared.
She's out there searching for that relationship that will fix her.
And I still cared.
I cared about her welfare,
and I was concerned about those who would take her in
trying to fix her lonely.
I am relieved that our time is over.
I am relieved that I don't have to deal
with the manipulation, drama, and intensity.
I had never given so much of myself. Ever. 
Sometimes I say, “thank you for the opportunity 
to learn about myself."
I learned that it is okay to love,
but that it's best to share love with someone who is available to me.
I learned that I am capable of loving.
I learned that I want to be loved in return.
I learned what love means to me,
and what it does not mean.
I learned that when people show me who they are
that I need to believe them.
Mostly, I learned to not give so much of myself to
or share my love with Everybody's Girl.


__________________________________________________________________ 

Don't Look in My Eyes

 Don't look in my eyes
And hold my stare,
To make me think of another time
And wish I was there...

When the two of us were convinced
(Or at least I was)
That what we felt for each other
Was a destined love...

Your eyes, they take me to that time
When I wished the world away
 And that you were the very reason
That I woke each and every day

I'd long to be in your arms,
As long as you let, I dared,
Please look the other way-
Please release this stare...

Why? Why do you look at me
So intensely that I want to hold you again?
Why not just let me go-
Please just let it end...

Don't keep me on a string
And don't let me jump at your beckoning call
Don't continue to look in my eyes
Just to build my hopes - After all...

You have someone at home
That will not leave.
So don't look in my eyes
Like we're meant to be.

I can't be your fool
   And I won't stay on the side
We have to part ways
So please don't look in my eyes.
 __________________________________________

The Permanent Break-Up

I don't want to hurt you
But I don't want to lie
I can't help but love you
And I can't help but cry.

So many things ran through my mind
When we were apart
"Did I do something terribly wrong?"
"Did I break your heart?"
Rising in the morning
Was the hardest thing to do
Because every day that started
I had to face without you.
Now you say you want me back
Now you say you care
But what about the lonely nights
When you were not there?
What about the tears I held
Deep within my pride
What about losing forever
And going insane inside?
Deep within my madness
Love has passed away
Died without my knowing
In an unmarked bitter grave.
I searched, my dear
Constantly searching for my love
Or at least the remains that haunted me
And all I had memories of.
Walks along the levee
Picnics in the park
Dining out together
Parking at the bar...
Everywhere I went
And everything I tried
I couldn't stop thinking
About you and I.
You don't know the hurt
Or the madness in my mind.
You don't know the things I did
Just to pass the time
Or how hard it was
Just to make it through the day.
No, you never even called
To see if I was okay.
Meanwhile the madness
Caused me to feel pain and all alone
It forced me to fall out of love
And made my mind its home.
So I cannot go back,
Not to where I've been
To be in love with you
I will never know again.

I don't want to hurt you
But I don't want to cry
I realized I'll love you
Until the day I die.

__________________________________________

The only way out is through

                        You want to run
                        You want to hide
                        You want to wish the world away

                            “Take all the hurt
                            Take all the pain
                            I pray You take it all away”

                        You pray for calm
                        You pray for peace
                        You pray for silence for a change

                        The more you fight and
                        The more you resist
                        The quicker you learn that you cannot start at the beginning
                            and jump to the end

                        Every beginning has a middle and
                        Every end has a beginning so
                        Every middle must be conquered in order to get to the end

                        Stop running
                            Stop hiding
                                Stop wishing the world away

                        Calm will come
                            Peace will come
                                And when silence finally comes you realize

                    That escaping was never an option
                    That it was meant for you to work it through
                    That there never was an “easy out”

                    ...and that the only way out was through

__________________________________________

On Sending Flowers

I cannot send you flowers ~
You are not mine.
I must suppress this urge
From time to time.

A dozen roses,
Or a subtle bouquet
I ponder and hope
The decision will be mine one day.

So I patiently wait
And stay on the side -
We meet in the darkness
And I bury my pride.

Because I cannot send flowers
You are not mine
Oh, how I wish that it were only flowers
And not my heart on the line.

__________________________________________

Looking the Other Way

Feeling an emptiness
And wondering where my true love is-
Why haven't I found her?
And why has she not found Me?
"Is that her?" I ask myself
As I pass an attractive blond
Who appears as though she
Might be gay~
"Is that her?" I silently wonder
At the grocery checkout line
Because she looks at me
With a twinkle in her eye~
Or is it possible that she's been here
All along, but I was looking at someone else
Or just looking the other way....

__________________________________________

Wading in the Water

The waves splash against the shore
As I sit in my fold out chair
Watching the sun drop to the earth...
I suppress the urge to dangle my toe into the
water's edge.
I hear the the ocean calling me
Tempting me to come near.
Why did I bring myself to the beach,
If not to go into the water?
Momentarily I resist and remain at the
water's edge
Not even dangling a toe into the water
Until finally an enormous wave crashes
against the shore,
Spraying a mist of the ocean on me.
No longer do I have the excuse that I should
resist the water in an effort to stay dry
For my clothes are now damp from the mist.
I cuff my pants and answer the ocean's call
For it only asked that I go wading in the water.